Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Xmas Shopping

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God, I went shopping today for gifts and almost broke down. sooo many people. First stop, Walmart. Had to get a few things for this place in addition to toys and such for the little relatives. It was like rush hour traffic and no one knew how to drive. Carts everywhere, old ladies wandering cluelessly, babies screaming, two ladies back in automotive having a boxing match, MADNESS!! And when I got up to the check out line, all I could hear was people complain, complaining about how it was supposed to be a debit charge, but never mind there was a baby in the car waiting, A BABY!! Then there was the oh wait, isnt this 0% off? and a little bit of your card is declined, which was immediately followed by the people walking out of the store with nothing rather than trying to find another way of paying, which was a relief actually. That was the first part, then it was off to McDonalds for my annual, spirited attempt at enjoying their food during the holiday season. Luck would have it I get behind a nice lexus SUV with I think kids inside, and the dad didnt know how to talk very well, so the whole order went entirely too slow. Mind you, I was focusing on the crack on my windshield as my meditative crystal and it was doing wonders for me, nobodys gonna ruin my wonderful day of shopping. So I finally got my crispy chicken sandwich value meal, which was perfectly fried might I add, restoring my loose faith in getting a tasty, quality, good for you meal at one of our nations institutions. Fries were hot, damn, things are turning for the better. Off to OfficeMax, where they dont have the smart card reader I want, with the salesman openly admitting they make more money off you by having separate ones rather than them stocking and selling the universal all-in-one model. OK, fair enough, thanks for the honesty, Ill just take this CD for my brothers computer and hope to hell I somehow convince a company to grant me the rebate offer I may or may not send in. To spice up the festive office supply shopping mood, they had Christmas music playing from one jukebox in the middle of the warehouse sized building, so you couldnt hear it from the outskirts, but boy when you got near the middle, Rudolph sure had a red fucking nose. Besides these issues, the store was relatively empty, aisles wide, and a bountiful amount of clerks up at the register area. I left with a smile and a bounce in my step. The holidays ROCK!! Lets find a Fondue Pot, any one will do! After sitting behind some guy who preferred to be in lanes rather than one at the stoplight, I waded through a small string of traffic and a few poorly timed stoplights, took a wrong turn, made a U turn, got stuck behind some people filling up the parking lot, and woalla!! A spot right in front of a store that would have a fondue pot. But alas, no pot. Luckily there were 17 other stores exactly like the one I just went in and after going into 10 of them, I found the perfect fondue pot. The store was full of glass wear and mirrors. The thought of winning the lotto popped in my head, renting out the store, buying everything in it and run through with a golf club and full-on hockey equipment, see what could be done. Fantasies though and I had to run around more to see what else these wonderful almost discount prices Outlet Stores had to offer, after all, the radio said its my one stop shopping place, so I best shop as much as possible. Now these wonderful stores are split up into 4 different areas that require a lot of walking, and I was pooped already, so I took the spin in the little sports car, wheeling through lots, narrowly dodging kids, dogs, newly and wrongly planted trees, and yes clueless old ladies. Nothing looked good and I actually got lost trying to find one of these 4 areas, which to my amazement didnt actually have a parking lot. You had to park, cross a rope bridge across an icy snowy river, give the gargoyle gatekeeper the correct password, and then dodge some giant swinging blades. After this was all done, I couldnt pick out anything from the 114 stores there and had to get back home. On the way back over the river, they make you swim, there isnt enough room on the bridge and the gatekeeper (who’s been employed for 15 years and cannot, by law, through his union, be fired) has a one way train of thought, so after people started getting fried with his medieval laser sword, administration thought it to be better for the customers to swim, figuring everyone would be close to going home to their warm houses anyway. I got back in my car, sopping wet, heat on full blast and dove back into traffic and faulty traffic lights. Made a few wrong turns, dodged some shopping carts and bargain hunters, and 45 minutes later I was back on the highway, headed home to watch the Broncos flail once again. So now that I have 10% of my shopping done I feel pretty damn good about things.

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